Kuunari

My wife was interested in seeing the movie Lady Bird, and suggested we make our bi-yearly pilgrimage to the movie theater to catch a movie. Pretty happy I did, and I would recommend the movie to others.

It’s a touching story of a girl played immaculately by Saoirse Ronan in her senior year of high school in 2002 coming of age and dealing with the realities of a family for whom their love isn’t enough to make life easy.

So much of the movie resonated with my experiences in high school and college, being the weirdo and friends with weirdos, the lack of cell phones for my friends, the constant reminders of 9/11, and reinventing yourself in misguided attempts to please those you meet.

Still, I left the movie with a melancholic mood, stuck with this question: “What if I am a secondary character in my own life now?”

At least, looking at the movies I’ve been watching lately, it can feel that way. By your thirties, you’re life can seem pretty settled, both in film and real life. You’ve got your partner squared away and your starting to make copies of yourself that require near constant supervision. You’ve likely found the career that you’ll likely stick with because, hey, it pays the bills.

You’re the one that someone else must struggle against or rely on for help in their moment of growth. I struggled to think of a movie about the struggles of “middle age,” as it’s becoming more apparent I’ve entered, other than the excellent, “This is 40.” At least, most movies about that time period in a person’s life seem to focus on the “man-child,” the hollywood idea of a man not ready to grow up.

I can’t help by wonder, what growth am I supposed to do now? How do I change? Or are the 30s and 40s to be a holding pattern, waiting for a time when I get to be the one growing?

As I thought of those questions, I had another; is my growth right now simply in relation to those around me? Whereas the 20s was all about “personal growth and discovery” for me, is this decade to be the time I figure out how to be a better husband, a better father, a better neighbor, etc, etc, etc?

These aren’t bad areas to show growth, but it’s hard to make the shift from the personal to the relational, particularly when you are like me and have been stuck inside your head for so much of your life.

But I’m trying, and growing.

Just some thoughts after watching an Oscar-bait movie.